Imposter syndrome. What a crock of shite!
These past however many weeks we have been on lockdown have meant that Nina and I have not been able to work together at Nipa Threads headquarters. Nina has had to do all the hard graft on her own like a total badass because our office, and all our equipment are with her. She is probably regretting that decision right now ha ha. I wonder what she will have me doing when we are back together?!? I am slightly nervous.
To try and make up for my lack of involvement in the physical side of the business, I have been doing courses to try and up my social media game, build relationships, network and in turn attract new customers and make some friends along the way.
So far so good. There really are some incredible women out there and it always amazes me just how much people want to help you and see you succeed. I always feel like a bit of a prick in these situations because my technology game is pretty shite! But I ask questions and there is never any judgement just answers and support.
I only ever tend to join women only groups. No offence to the men out there but it is just a different environment. Having to deal with a lot of mansplaining over the years - my dad being a pretty big culprit - I would rather ask and take advice from women. The delivery is just different and I feel a lot more at ease asking questions to a community of women. I suppose its the whole men are from mars and women are fucking awesome thing!
I am doing these courses, upping my Facebook game, learning lots of new things and having a jolly good time. Then all of a sudden BOOM imposter syndrome well and truly kicks in all because I wanted to set up a Facebook group.
Who am I to have a Facebook group? Why would anyone want to join? What exactly do I have to offer? I am no expert?
And just like that I am paralysed by fear. Fear that people are going to think "who the fuck does she think she is" or "look at her, what a twat". The fear of judgement is REAL and it is debilitating.
When I was younger I was outgoing and into drama. I loved being on stage. I remember my friends and I wrote a little comedy sketch that we performed in front of the whole school, it was really good and we had the whole school in stitches. I was nervous but it wasn't because I was worried about being judged it was just pre performance nerves, hoping we would remember our lines and that our audience would enjoy it. That was year 10 of secondary school. By year 11 it was a different story. I was aware of judgement. I was aware that people could be laughing about me or thinking what I was doing was crap. The worst part of this realisation is that I cared what they thought and it completely changed my outlook. Suddenly I was very aware of myself, my behaviour and how I was being perceived by people around me. I wish I could have taken the "I don't give a fuck what they think of me' line but unfortunately I went the other way. It's funny that I still remember it so clearly. One minute I was carefree the next I was too worried to express my self for fear of judgement.
This has continued to my adult life to a certain degree. I am still an outgoing person and am a complete prick when I'm in the comfort of my friends BUT the thought of really putting myself out there on the World Wide Web gave me a squeaky bottom. I am that person that if I ever got pulled up on stage I would die of embarrassment.
There are a lot of nasty little pricks out there just ready to rip you to shred's. We see it happening all the time. I am obviously no celebrity or person of importance to have my own troll ha, but who wants to put themselves out there for people to judge. People are too used to behaving like a cunt and not getting punched in the face for it. Hiding behind their screens as they type an abusive post that they would never have the balls to say to someones face. A culture of bullies who can say what they like with no consequence.
But by living our lives out of fear of judgement are we really living at all.
Who really gives a fuck what Debbie is saying behind your back, what exactly is she doing with her life? And that my friends is a HUGE point. People will cunt you off when they are jealous of what you are doing. You are putting yourself out there DESPITE the judgement because you want to make something of yourself or do something with your life and you have to balls to go get it. People don't like that.
Jealousy is a really ugly trait and can bring out the worst in people. But that is on them and thier shitty lives. They make themselves feel better but trying to make other people feel shit, its sad really. When that imposter syndrome kicks in, I am going to tell myself that the reason I feel like that is because I am going somewhere and doing something. I am being brave by coming out of my comfort zone and putting myself out there - that is pretty empowering and something to really feel good about. I want our business to continue to grow and be successful and if Debbie doesn't like it then Debbie can go fuck her miserable self - in essence its probably what she needs.
I am definitely getting better. I have done videos now which I never thought I would do. I just have to get over the last hurdle that people want to hear what I have to say, leap over it in fact.
There WILL be a new Nipa Threads group coming to Facebook soon - We all need Good Tribes. It is a space for us women to come together in a fun, positive and uplifting space. There will be absolutely NO POLITICS allowed. There will be days when you can share your business if you have one. It will incorporate music, memes, me doing lives (fuuuuuuuucccccccck!) intentions and reflections. Members will get discount codes for our products and there will be competitions to win yourself some merch. It is going to be a beautifully blissful slice of the internet where we focus on the bright side of life in our cheeky sassy way.
I hope you will join us.
Now go tell the imposter inside you to do one and go and show your Debbie what life is really about and that is not giving a flying fuck what others think. You do you.
Mwah x x x