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Whats up Whattsapp

Does anyone else feel like Whatsapp has come out of no where and taken over their whole life?!?! What happened to good old fashioned texting? I don't know if I actually text anyone these days apart from my mum and that is slowly creeping over to the app.

I still remember getting my first mobile phone at 16 or 17.  The days when you had to press the key a number of times depending on what letter you wanted. When you only had a certain amount of characters in your text so making up abbreviations and trying to write in code just so you didn't have to spend an extra 10p of your pay as you go allowance. We actually got rather good at it didn't we?  It wasn't out of laziness it was due to the fact we were all skint young adults and had to make our £20 top up voucher last for as long as possible!! We all had that one friend who was luckily enough to have an ACTUAL contract phone and we were all in awe. Until, that is, they racked up a fucking huuuuuuuuge phone bill that their parents had to pay and boom, they ended up being just like the rest of us with their no space texts that had to be cryptically pulled apart by the recipient! 

Back then I knew all my besties numbers off by heart - home AND mobile numbers. I can still remember some of the land lines!! Land line? Who the fuck has a land line these days? We did have one but I got so fucked off with the cold callers that we just disconnected it - no more arguing with strangers because I've asked them 586 times to take my number off the bastard list. Now I am lucky if I know Simons mobile number! I have to say my own mobile number in a certain way otherwise it throws me completely off.

Now, well fuck its all there at the tip of our fingers - unlimited data, instant gratification, instant EVERYTHING. No wander the youngsters are so fucking impatient! Fuck if I don't answer my little darlings within 30 seconds they just continue to wail mummy until I do - getting louder and more irritating with each mummy!

Those of you from my generation will remember how truly painful it was waiting for dial up internet. The pages took ages to load, they crashed and it used to make me loose my shit ALL THE TIME because I am also incredibly impatient! It also really gets on my tits when something is supposed to work in a certain way and it doesn't - to be fair it is probably just me not knowing what I am doing but you know I would rather blame the tools than myself.

So back to Whattsapp and allllllllllllll the fucking groups and the people in those groups. There are definitely certain types of people you will find in all groups.

How many times have you been added to a group without your knowledge. What is the etiquette around this? I suppose it is so new that etiquette hasn't been established. Should you ask people before you randomly add them or just fuck it and add them? Really you should be able to leave without a big PAULA HAS LEFT THE GROUP which translate to YOUR ALL CUNTS!! Obviously it doesn't mean that but come on that is what it screams. Especially on school mum groups. 35 pictures of other peoples kids in their world book day costumes - come on Janet just put it on Facebook so we can all like it rather than clogging up my fucking camera roll with your darlings dressed as, I don't give a shit!! Just to be clear, I'm referencing whole class groups here, not the mums you have actually CHOSEN as your mates!!

We don't actually have a school mums whattaspp apart from the mums I am friends with. We do all that jazz on Facebook which, in my humble opinion, is so much better. One of my friends is part of a school mums WA (I'm going to use this for Whatsapp as I cannot be fucked to write it out every time!) and I piss myself when she is loosing her shit as her phone pings at 300 miles an hour as the mums dissect the latest school comms. I can read a fucking email for fucks sake is a phrase I often hear! So no thank you to the school group let's keep that to Facebook.

We all have that friend who sends videos that you have learnt, usually the hard way, not to open when in a public place or in front of the kiddies! Yes that's right it is usually porn or someone saying cunt. To be fair I think my mates have learned not to play videos that I am in as I swear with out even realising it! You will be having a nice Sunday roast and get a video pinged to the group. Ohhhhhh what's this? That looks cute. Open it and cue the sounds of a vagina getting pummelled - not really what you want when the whole family is round and you are about to tuck in to a nice moist chicken leg. That is why you do not open their videos until you are alone. They are the dirt bags!

Then there is the person who never actually asks how anyone is or what people are up too but rather fires information at you. "Guys what do you think of this project?" "I'm thinking of doing this, what do you think?" Doesn't actually join in conversations unless they have started them and even then never actually acknowledges any ones else statements. Also I'm pretty sure they couldn't give a flying fuck what you think and that is obvious when they don't acknowledge your suggestion or comment but just gloss over it to the next question. It's like they are having a conversation with themselves that we are oh so lucky to be a part of. No no no and another NO! This really gets on my tits especially as this particular WA user will send one word messages. You look at your phone to find 25 WA message which should have been condensed into about 3. Do not type "HI" then send! It is so fucking irritating, just write a proper cunting message - rant over!!!

Who has the person that everyone always respond too? You have sent a message, something funny that you thought the group would appreciate and nothing, nada, tumble weed. Then the convo starter sends a fucking crap gif and everyone is all 'looooool' 'soooo funny' 'oh my god I love this'. Your sat in the corner thinking what the fuck is this bullshit - reply to my dam message fuckers! I don't think the convo starter realises this about themselves but everyone else in the group knows ha ha.

Then there is the person who often responds to a conversation thread a few days later like they have just emerged from a cave and suddenly discovered technology. I don't think the reluctant Whatsapper does it on purpose but they either get totally overwhelmed or just can't be fucked to respond or a bit of both! Or very likely they open a message, get distracted and then just forget to reply!! The joys of having kids eh!

Now let's talk WhatsApp overwhelm! I never really understood it until I felt it!! So many messages hitting your inbox and not enough time to respond! Wanting to reply to individuals comments but the messages are pinging at you quicker than your eyes can read them - arghhhhhhhhhh!!! Coming out of work to 147 messages like fuuuuucccccck! Do you even bother reading them all or just reply to the thread with an emoji that suits the line of conversation. Once upon a time I would be wandering what I had done wrong if I didn't hear from anyone. Feel sad not to be receiving messages. Now it's rather refreshing to not have to think about replies.

I love the connection WA brings with it. Being able to have group chats is wicked when you are trying to arrange things. Having a bit of Friday night bants with the girls from the comfort of my sofa in my tea stained joggers. Slagging of the other halves to people who get it and have got your back and will make you feel so much better with their saucy comments and memes. It is a great way to bring us together.

Just make sure you open that video behind closed doors yeah!


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