I have spent the last month doing a fabulous course all about habitual success. Creating habits that will help to grow you and your business. Habits that you need to be doing every day, week and month. Good habits that will help you in the fields of health wealth and happiness. How cool does that sound? There was a training each day and a chance to go into break out rooms and talk to other ladies and network like ninjas.
It was brilliant and I loved it. I did get a bit nervous each day as I am actually not great at the network thing over zoom. I just feel like a bit of a dickhead. I am much more confident being face to face with people for some reason. I would always feel a bit anxious going into the break out rooms. It made me feel like I was at school again just before I was about to go on stage!
Will I blurt something out that's inappropriate? As you know I like the word cunt, some of the women had their kids sat with them - whatever you do, do not say cunt - was my mantra. Luckily it worked. Can they see that I haven't even bothered putting a bra on today? Why do I suddenly look like Miss Trunchball? My voice sounds like a chav trying to get released on bail!! Which is the weirdest one because my work voice is so super profesh but its like I loose all ability to be a normal human being.
I don't know if you know about this new Clubhouse social media platform but people are frigging themselves off over it! I have't really worked it out yet, obviously, because it takes me an age to learn something new these days and fronted adverbials can still go fuck themselves! So I just keep dipping in and out. I was in a room listening to some ladies talking about speed networking so I decided to raise my hand to say something. Oh well as soon as I did it I started to sweat. Proper sweaty palms like I was embarking on a bank job or finally getting to meet Tom Hardy. I was soooooo fucking nervous. It was ridiculous, no one could see me I was literally going to talk for about 30 seconds about my business. I was a mess! I am usually a pretty well put together person and I can talk to anyone. Maybe I have been in lockdown too long and I just have no idea how to interact with people who aren't thrusting their penises in my general direction.
Anyway so the lovely host introduced me and I couldn't work out how to unmute myself, what a fucking eejit. My hands are shaking as I'm trying to work out what the actual fuck I have to do all whilst cursing myself under my breath, just in case I had miraculously unmuted myself and they could hear me muttering all sorts of expletives! They had to move on as it was a SPEED networking event. I nearly gave up because I was so embarrassed by my incompetence. But no I was determined to not be a quitter so I put my hand up again. This time I managed to unmute myself but felt like I completely mumbled everything I was saying, like a child apologising for something they really don't want to apologise for. I didn't really do my business justice when I was talking about it as everything tumbled out of my mouth like jumbled up verbal diarrhoea! Not cool and collected that is for damn sure. Oh well at least I know how to unmute myself!
I was feeling really good in January for a change. Positive, vibrations high, pumped to work. I was being consistent and disciplined with my tasks and was getting a lot done. We smashed our sales targets and all in all were fucking flying.
1st February comes around and I finally manage to get up at 6.30am without hitting the snooze button. I went downstairs made myself a hot water and lemon and meditated for 30 minutes. This was all part of my health/happiness goal. Get up early and get a bit more done before my day begins freeing up time later in the day for other tasks. At this point I am not sure who is looking back at me in the mirror right now but I like her, she's hot.
Then it all goes to fucking shit and what goes up must come plummeting back to earth like a noughties come down. I just felt this darkness come over me like a real sense of foreboding. The fact that i had gotten up early and meditated made me more annoyed because I was like I should be feeling bloody awesome but instead I want to chuck it all in and not worry about SEO, targets, profit or accounts. I wanted to give up and resign myself to a life on the sofa, I had no fighting spirit left. I wanted to quit. How very dramatic of me. I know we cannot be happy all the time but surely I can go longer than a month for fucks sake.
I took the day to feel a bit sorry for myself. I didn't really go on social media and I just kinda bummed around like I had been dumped by my on off boyfriend yet again. It was all rather pathetic to be honest. I had just spent a month showing up and working on myself to be defeated at the first hurdle?
Nah mate not having it.
I accepted that I was tired. I accepted that I was in a shitty mood. I accepted that every now and then we just need to have a little temper tantrum. I accepted that I had worked hard in January which, lets face it felt like the longest month we have ever had to endure! Even though I was actually recovering from corona at the start of January I was still bossing it and putting the little energy I had into working on the behind the scenes of the business.
What I did not accept was that that defined me as a person or a businesswoman. What I did not accept was being a shit person because I couldn't keep my momentum going. What I did not accept was that this is how I was going to feel from now on.
I accepted that I was only human and we have emotions that like to take us on a rollercoaster ride. I decided to be kind to myself, use kind words when talking to myself and not chastise myself for feeling a bit can't be arsed right now.
The following day I got up - not a 6.30 though - and I told myself we were going to turn it around. And I damn well did! I sent out some contracts, homeschooled, showed up on social media and wrote this blog.
Not too shabby eh???
Please continue to be kind to yourself and remember we are still in the middle of a fucking shit show, sorry I mean global pandemic! I will leave you with this, something everyone who works for a large company has heard whilst they have been continually shafted up the arse......
......these are unprecedented times
if you need a day to feel sorry for yourself and call everyone a cunt, you take it babe, I feel much better for it x