How is everyone doing out there in the big wide world? A world that seems to have gotten so much bigger this past year. That beach I was planning on getting pissed on seems like it is sooooo far out of reach! The idea of a foreign holiday seeming so, well, foreign to us all right now. Well apart from all the fucktards who are going on holiday anyway because I guess their shit don't stink. Yes Dubai "influencers" I'm looking at you and your luscious lips. The only thing you are influencing now is the fact that you have no regard for the rules or for other people - not really the greatest lesson to be teaching the next generation.
It is heading towards the year anniversary of the first lockdown and I sincerely fucking hope that by the time that we will be out of lockdown 3. Or at least heading towards a light at the end of the darkest tunnel in my lifetime.
Honestly these last couple of weeks have been a real struggle for me as I deal with, what I am calling, corona fatigue. It is as though my soul has been slowly sucked from my body whilst I go deeper and deeper in to negative feelings, negative outlooks and a negative headspace. Think dementor on speed but with a blonde wig that resembles a mop, sucking out all the happy feelings, all the joy and the few ounces of love for myself that I had left. As if that is not enough they come back when I am asleep to blow all these nagging anxiety ridden vibes right up my anus.
By talking to my girlfriends I realise that I am not alone. It seems to be hitting everyone like a tonne of fucking bricks right now.
This groundhog day shit is taking its toll. The same shit every morning, afternoon and evening. It is so boring. Not like having to go to work boring. At least at work you get to leave the house, be with other people even if Janet and her heavy breathing gets right on your tits. You get a change of scenery and when work finishes you get to go home. Home to your lovely house that you haven't had to sit in all day doing the same mundane shit you did last week and thinking about all the little bullshit jobs you should be doing like dusting your skirting boards or cleaning the kitchen cupboards.
At least at work you can talk to other humans in the FLESH. Yes you may want to staple Nigel and his casual sexism to the community notice board, but at least Nigel is HUMAN and hopefully doesn't answer you back with a roll of the eyes or flick of the hair. Dealing with listening to random peoples shit music on public transport is not something you thought you would miss but I bet you actually do fucking miss it!! That in itself tells us just how wank things are right now.
I miss going to Nipa Threads headquarters and printing all our awesome slogan clothing. Getting to dance around the office and trying to slut drop with no judgement as Nina is right there slut dropping with me! The banter, the tea drinking, working on our business which makes us feel accomplished and like we have actually achieved something that day other than sneaking off for a chocolate biscuit and getting away with it.
Homeschool has been more of a struggle than ever. Toby is not interested at all and Samuel has lost his spark for learning, probably thanks to me and my lack of patience, tolerance and the fact that I'm basically a shite teacher. Not only that I just have absolutely no interest in homeschool anymore. I don't feel particularly supported by our school so that mixed with how low I am feeling has made me go full child mode. If the school aren't doing their part why the fuck should I do mine! Bollocks to it. It's all bullshit. What the fuck is a fronted adverbial. Why do I have to draw 55 pictograms??? This is the level of tantrum that I am at. Part of me is living for it too!
I find myself getting into make believe fights in my head and actually relishing the feeling of anger because its a tangible FEELING and sometimes I feel so empty that any real feeling is welcomed because it is proof that somewhere in there I am still alive. Sounds ridiculously self destructive I know but I just can't help it. I am aware of it though so I can start to change my thought process.
This week has been a breath of fresh air because it has been half term so the main pressure has been taken off. If Boris keeps to his word and doesn't cunt us all off again then kids will be going back to school on the 8th so there is that glimmer of hope twinkling within reach like the setting sun over the ocean.
I hope you have been ok these past few weeks. I want you to know you are not alone if your feel totally overwhelmed, deflated and a full on bleurgh mentality. It has been a long old journey that none of us wanted to be on. It is like being sandwiched between 2 body builders in the middle seat, next to the toilet with no in flight entertainment and severe turbulence! Far from fucking ideal, that's for sure. Hopefully our next destination has a more positive outlook.
Big love everyone, you are awesome, you are loved and most of all you are a total fucking legend. Remember that, mwah x