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It's my birthday and I will cry if i want too!

What a weird weird time to be having a birthday!

As I sit here writing this blog I should be getting excited about my night out with my girls.  It was all planned.  A nice dinner at this lush Turkish restaurant in town, a few drinks then back to mine for an after party as I had a free house.  Yes I realise that makes me sound like I am in my teens but when you are about to turn 38 you will do and say just about anything to feel young again!

My outfit had been planned weeks ago!  A sexy lace bodysuit with crocodile print leather trousers and my black stilettos.  As a mum to 2 boys, getting dressed up and not being covered in some sort of bodily fluid or food source is very rare so this shit is pre-planned and executed in style!  The fact that I am now going to be in pjs makes me want to sob into my wine!  

Instead of what was going to be an epic girls night out, I will be spending the evening on me todd!  Simon is working this weekend and the boys will be in bed.  So to compensate I have bought myself a nice bottle of wine and 2, yes 2 toblerone.  

We have decided to get involved with this house party app so fuck it  am going to wear my party outfit for that instead and finally put some make up on.  I keep catching glimpses of myself as I walk past shiny surfaces and fuck my life, I shit myself each and every time!

I am not sure how I feel about turning 38 but those shiny surfaces are not helping me feel good about myself! 

I mean at this current moment in time all I am thinking about is when I will be in the same room as all the people I love.  I want to give my mum a cuddle.  I want to squeeze all the faces of all the little people I love, and not forgetting their mumma's.  When will we be able to go to the pub or out for dinner.  To the park.  All the things we took for granted that we can no longer partake in.  But I am not going to dwell on the virus that must not be named as I am putting another blog together for that!  What a treat!

Another year older another year more fucking fabulous darlings.  That is my party line and I am sticking to it.  

Generally getting older doesn't bother me too much.  I am very happy with my life and what I have achieved so far.  I am proud of the woman I have become.  I have a wonderful husband, 2 beautiful boys, a job I love and Nina and I have started a successful business.  I live in a house that feels like home and it is where I am at peace (apart from the parking situation) and my girlfriends are the best a girl could wish for.  I am beyond grateful for where I am and what I have but I tell you, the journey has not been a walk in the park.

What I do find hard to swallow, is that I will never be YOUNG again.  I will never be able to experience my teenage years again and that makes me so sad because they were the fucking best.  When I see the youts out and about together I envy them and their worry free lives.  I envy the carefreeness that comes with being young.  Sitting in the park getting pissed on 2020.  Getting high for the first time and pulling a whitey in front of everyone.  Snogging the boy you really REALLY fancied and it being the fucking grossest thing ever.

Going to my first rave at 16.  Camden Palace, Bagleys, Fabric, Stratford Rex and the Colliseum to name check just a few.  Learning how to dance all night in killer heels and then realising you could rave in trainers.  Smoking inside.  Sitting outside having a brew mid rave chatting to some complete loons you have only just met but felt like you had known them forever.  Being at the perfect age for the explosion of Old Skool Garage and feeling like we were at the forefront of an epic era, which we were.  To this day if I am feeling shitty, on goes the garage.  When I am getting ready for a night out, on goes the garage.  Driving in the summer - oh its ALL about the garage.  You get the drift it makes me happy ha ha.

Such great great memories and NO PHOTOGRAPHIC evidence plastered all over the world wide web.  Even better!  Our generation breathes a collective sigh of relief.

Would I want to be a teenager now though?  Not on your nelly mate!  

What I loved about growing up when I did was that it seemed so simple compared to today.  You knocked on your mates houses and if the were not in you went to the places they could be until you found them.  Calling each others house phones.  I still know my 2 bestie's home numbers off by heart.  I don't even know Simon's mobile number!  Going down the park or the Wick or anywhere really because it didn't need to be Instagram worthy.  Having no shame and asking the coolest looking person if they would buy you alcohol.  Not knowing about contouring or lip fillers or what your eyebrows are meant to look like.  Its fucking exhausting! 

Don't get me wrong we had our issues and a whole lot of teenage angst, but they seem so trivial compared to now.  I feel for our youth, I really do.  Not in a condescending or patronising way but in a genuine, fuck you guys have got it rough, kind of way.  What happened to wearing blue eye shadow, bright pink blusher with red lipstick from collection 2000 not MAC for christs sake! 

Every generation has it's pros and cons and I'm sure that teenagers today would not have wanted to grow up when I did as it probably seemed really boring to them!

As a teenager and young person I wish I had given less fucks!  Why did I care so much about others opinion of me?  It stopped me from doing so much because I was too shit scared of being judged, or trying something and getting it wrong which would result in feeling stupid.  That is the beauty of getting older.  You certainly give less fucks about others and their judgement of you.  

The people that matter won't mind and the people that mind don't matter.  Such true and beautiful words.  Although I have made some superb friends since becoming a mum, my home girls are ladies I have been friends with since those chaotic, hedonistic, carefree teenage years.  I better not piss them off, they know to much!!  When you find a tribe like this you don't let go of them because life is tough and you need people who will have your back and keep you sane.

One piece of advice I would like to leave you with is TRAVEL.  See the world, experience new cultures and meet people you would never normally meet.  I am sooooooooo grateful that I have travelled so much but I still regret not doing a world tour or being a rep in Ibiza - can you imagine the carnage???  Oh I would have welcomed it with open arms.

Do a job that you love because lets face it we are going to be working until we are like 89 at this bastard rate.  You need to enjoy what you do and also don't give a flying fuck what other people think of your choice in career, or in fact your choice of anything that you want to do.  The only opinion that matters is YOURS.

Phew!  So here is to 38, cheers bitches.



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