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Flirty at Forty

March is my birthday month and this is a big one for me. On the 29th I turn 40 years old. I am not quite sure how this has actually happened!? I kind of feel like I've blinked and boom I'm 40, married, kids, business owner living a fabulous life full of love and laughter, but also knackered on the daily which is one indication of getting older! I just don't have a Scooby fucking do how it rolled around so quickly.

Samuel is currently watching a film on Netflix with Kenan and Kel, Good Burger, and when I looked, it was made in 1997. Now that doesn't sound, or feel like that long ago but it was TWENTY FIVE fucking years ago and I was a teenager. That is what I find so fucking crazy, the 90s seem like yesterday and the fact that I was in double digits 25 years ago is some scary shit.

But what an era the 90s were. I feel so very lucky to have grown up then. I think every generation thinks that their years growing up were "the best"but you cannot deny just how freeking cool the 90s were. We had so much freedom roaming around on our bikes staying out until the street lights came on. We knocked for our mates and if they weren't in we knew exactly where they would be. Hanging around the local phone box - which didn't stink of piss or look like a crack den - egging each other on to phone that boy that we liked. We had to phone the house phone which parents usually answered!! Que fits of giggles, bricking it and then hanging up. God we must have been so annoying! 

We all had a local sweet shop or newsagents we would go for our rubble bubble - who remembers that?? Fucking rank stuff but we loved it and it was like 10p. Packets of crisps didn't cunt you off with half a bag and a can off pop was 35p. I love to reminisce. Not so much so that I don't live in the present but I just long for the simplicity of those care free days.

We soon moved on from the newsagent and on to the off licence - which I'm pretty sure no longer exist! I cant remember the last time I saw an "offy". My best friend used to work in Victoria Wine and I can still smell it which is freaky.   Hanging around outside until someone (usually a guy) agreed to buy us our Hooch! Cracking open bottles with our teeth (shudder) and smoking the whole ten deck of fags because you couldn't take them home. Spaying perfume - yes actual perfume into your mouths so the rentals, as we called them back in the day, couldn't smell the alcohol. What bell ends, perfume contains alcohol - you cant make this shit up. God they knew, we were so beautifully naive to think that they didn't! But they were kinda cool with it. They knew all our mates and some of our mates parents and it was a little community. My mum recently told me that she would phone my friends parents when I said I was staying over, just to make sure - she obviously didn't the night I ended up sleeping on a climbing frame that my kids now play on ha.

The fashion was fucking iconic and is now coming back with a vengeance and I'm not going to lie, I am loving the reemergence of the scrunchie!! Wearing trainers with everything is another trend I am welcoming and of course the jeans and a nice top vibe. So much to love. 

Oh such wonderful and vivid memories. I mean I often forget what I am doing whilst I'm doing it but the memories remain clear and I am very grateful for that.

Here I am nearing 40 and I actually feel very calm about it.

Turing 30 however was wank! That transition from 20's to 30's was really tough. Back then 30s felt seriously old - ha what a fucking joke that is. I was still pretty immature I think and still a bit insecure too which made "getting older" all the more difficult. My 30s were really about finding myself, who was I really, deep down in my soul. It was a time where I did a lot of reflection and work on my mental health. I lost my father to cancer at the age of 18 so my 20s were a bit of a haze and so in my 30s I decided I didn't want to just float along with life anymore, but I wanted a purpose, so what was it I believed in, what were my core values, who did I actually want to be?

Now Im ready to take on my 40s. I have a new level of confidence and self esteem that comes with age. I really don't care what people think of me and that was always my downfall before. So consumed with what people we're saying about me or judging me that I never pursed my dreams. The further in to my 30s I went the less fucks I had to give and I am so glad because otherwise I may not have started our slogan clothing and accessories brand, Nipa Threads. Running your own business you really have to put yourself out there, especially on social media. I feel like a proper douche bag doing videos and lives and putting my boat race out there for all to see. I soon got into the swing of it though and when I receive messages saying my videos make people happy or inspire others to want to pursue their dreams, it feels incredible and far out weighs that feeling of cringe.

As my boys have started school I have made some beautiful friends and I feel like I am 100% authentically me. Sweary, sarcastic with a lot of love to give to the people in my life. Ive kept my childhood friends and my uni girls which is over 25 and 20 years of friendship so I feel very secure in those relationships. I no longer am the twat people pleaser I once was because that shit is exhausting and not really much fun. I am also happy to fade people out who make me feel shit about myself or are clearly using me for their own purpose. That shit becomes crystal clear as you get older. You don't have to have a big showdown or anything just make yourself available for the people that bring you joy and be less available to those who suck the positivity right out of you like a dementor - mood hoovers we like to call them!

I will grow older with my fuck you frown lines firmly in place. I have never been one for fake tan or fake eyelashes or things like that so I think I will just stick to my skin care regime rather than having any procedures done to my face. That might change, but for now I'll leave the botox and fillers to the younguns!!

After having a cancer diagnosis last year I realise just how lucky I am to be turning 40 and what an absolute privilege it is to be able to get older. Getting older now means that I get to watch my boys grow, get married and have babies of their own, if that's the path they choose to take. I get to watch them and all my  friends kids who I love dearly, find themselves and who they want to be, choose their career paths and kind of re live my youth through them - from the sidelines im not about to start go raving with them, they don't have the stamina!

All in all I am excited for this new chapter in my life and I look forward to seeing what it brings - a large lottery win would be a right treat!!

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